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30 June 2005 Reminder to self: Bobby Brown's twisted reality show on tonight -- must watch Did you know you could die of inhaling dead fish fumes? I did, every time I smell dead fish I feel like death is upon me. Apparently some fishermen from Malaysia didn't know. This morning I was dripping, my collar was wet, my face had drips of sweat, etc and I get into the non-ventalated elevators and wait to get to the very top floor, like everyday. Of course there is this red head man with a mustache who insists on getting on the elevator even though the doors have already started to close. He manuevers his skinny ass between the doors before they close, automatically triggering the elevator doors to open up again. Everyday I go through this, as if there aren't 6 other elevators not waiting to take you up. There were about 5 other people on this ride, a rather full elevator. I just keep my head down, embarrased of the huge amounts of sweat coming down my face. Everyone is off but me and red hair mustache as we get to the 10th floor he gets off. I still have my head down and he turns around as he is walking away and says "GOOD BYE! HAVE A NICE DAY" and is doing a retarted person's wave. I was horrfied and started laughing when the doors closed. Now, my kids are going to be retarted because I laughed. He didn't look like he had any mental challenges. I figured he was a military guy... just weird people. I think one of the worst deaths next to fire and drowning is being eaten by a Grizzly bear to death. Canada approves gay marriage and it's okay in Spain as well. I have more to say but not today. Busy and looking at a new apartment today. Meanwhile the lady who rented us the extremely expensive one her husband works here at my work. I just realized... She knows we're gay, but has she told her hubby and oh god... everyone will know... scared. These are my favorite dogs today that I was crying about:
29 June 2005 It's begun Perhaps a new lifestyle change for me. I hope I can make it through. Also, I was tasked to take this quiz from my 12 year old niece. Then I officially started to feel old. I wasn't up with the latest terminology for dorks, geeks, and punks apparently, so I had to go to the urban dictionary. I used to subscribe to US Weekly and People magazine and also Interview. I was religious to these people, years and years of being loyal. Then I just started to get annoyed. I didn't even like the magazines anymore. There is such a fantastic storm happening right now. I am really enjoying it. The lightening is making my hairs raise, perhaps I shouldn't be next to the window playing on the computer, although I did un-plug the printer, and network cable plus the power as well. Yup we're running on batteries. But I like this storm. It's so nice and relaxing although everytime it thunders loud I always jump and it makes me feel like my stomach is turning inside out, or maybe that's from the hunger. Su do ko help me. I am addicted to this game! Get one puzzle right and I'm off to non-stop play it until I get stumped. I have found my new obsession this week. I've been thinking a lot about the trip to Europe next year. At first I was like screw it I don't care, but now I'd really like to go. I'd especially like to take B who's never been to Europe before. The first trip is always the most memorable. The first time you see the difference between American cars and European cars, the license plates, the cobblestone, the trees, the way the birds sing, the people, the style, the smells, just everything is so different and it's so cool.
27 June 2005 My doctor is cute My horoscope: A change sounds like exactly what you need, but unfortunately you're in capable of making up your mind what kind. Start with something small like a new lunch spot then go from there. My liver is okay so no need to worry about that and I'm happy about it. We're not going to move this week. The whole kitchen has been packed, everything is off the walls, towels for bathing are in boxes, the
26 June 2005 Hermatic My horoscope for Sunday: You can appear wildly confident and talk the great talk, but there's no amount of posturing that can make up for not getting a promised result. The answer is either not to promise or to make sure you can deliver. I have no idea what that means.
25 June 2005 Get out your barf bag I made a bologna sandwich today. Except I made it with cheese and then fried it as if it were a grilled ham N cheese sandwich. It wasn't that bad. Plus I've become addicted to Helluva french onion dip. It's way better than Dean's. Which is sad because I grew up on Dean's dip and it was always brought along for Up North trips. Whatever it takes view this clip. It is so hilarious. My favorite part is when Oprah says "No no no!" and there are like 5 million blocks of her face... you'll just have to see it to get it. And I'm a little frightened of what went on between Matt Lauer and Tom on Today. Thank god Katie wasn't interviewing him. He's on a rampage. It's summer time and I didn't go out of the house. Dumb packing kept me inside all day. I hate it.
I'm off to sit on the couch, space out, and possibly eat something.
24 June 2005 And it was really cool Last night I got upset at one of the blogs I occassionally go to. I started reading his blog back when he tried to commit suicide and then just went every once in awhile becuase usually his thought are rather small. Last night he said he really felt like killing himself again, and he was visiting Milwaukee as he lives in San Francisco. But this really caught my eye because every name of the place I recognized. It makes me feel like the world we're living in got a little smaller, at least in my head it seemed to. I love George Micheal still. I mean not really, but I do love his Faith album. That was the first cassette tape I ever got. It was a gift for my 10th birthday from my mom. Yea! I'm sure she didn't even know there was a song called 'I want your sex' on it. She would have never allowed me to have it. Although she really liked that album as well. I'm swamped today, or more like concentrating really hard at work. Trying to keep my mind off boxes and packing this weekend. Plus it's going to be beautiful this weekend, well hot, but sunny nonetheless and I want to hang at the pool and finish my book. I love summer reading. Here's a book I really really am having a hard time not buying. Short stories are so fun to read. Well that's enough work for a Friday. I'm tired and my eyes are burning from this computer monitor. Poopy Porkchops rode with me on the Subway this morning. The song I'm listening to reminds me of him: twangy and folky. He looks like he has come straight out of the mountains. Those porkchops, my god... and not one speck of another hair on his face but his eyebrows. If I was a man I'd always use a razor to shave, never electric. I think guys avoid the 5 o'clock shadow using a real razor instead of a battery operated one. I'd hate having to shave everyday, and now obviously you know that as a woman I don't shave my armpits or legs everyday. Live 8 is going to be broadcast on July 2nd from noon until 8PM. I read that Madonna will sing Ray of Light and Like a Prayer and I'm sure Imagine, which I don't really like, well I do, but only when she's right in front of me and all the gay boys light up their lighters. Anyway I can't confirm she will sing those songs but the previous are my two favorites. The Live 8 website is awesome. When you click things the crowd moves. Oh yea and the Spice Girls might re-unite still but only if it's all 5 of them and apparently Scary is holding up the process. What the hell? Right now its hotter in Wisconsin than here in Virginia. I'm sure by next week when that weather gets here it will be added by 10 degrees more. I wonder if that kind of weather will warm up Lake Michigan, probably not ever. I want to go to the beach... someone please take me. Speaking of blissfull things... Can you imagine dying from that? JT told me to keep my deflector up because he went on vacation today for 2 weeks and won't be here to protect me and he told me that he has a bunch of people looking out for me just in case someone thinks they can take advantage of me since he's not here. Here are a few dogs that I love so much already even though I just stare at their pictures when I'm at work:
22 June 2005 Hump day I think saying hump day is so grade school. What's even worse is hearing your ex-stepmom say it. I have seen her for almost a week straight on the metro on our way to Crystal City to work. It's nice, there is no protocol with her be who I can be it's nice to know someone like that non-blood relation. But still I don't like it when she says hump. Today I am scanning jobs in Miami, Ft. Lauderdale, etc just to see what's out there. Web Desingner, Webmaster has yielded 85 jobs for me. Each one I have gone through has been applicable to me right now but they are asking for 2+ years of experience. I have only been doing this for a mere year. Which is sad since I am over qualified for some of the jobs I've read. Some of the terms they use I instinctively tell myself 'No, haven't used that before' but then I realize oh yea I do use that. But I never use their real names I just do the work and don't realize what exactly I am doing. Everytime I look at jobs regardless of the area it's a negative situation because I realize what skills I have and don't to be access. This is funny. I read something about how her eyes are deadened... There are people who think she has been brainwashed. I'm still wondering about his appearance on Oprah, and also how I could have had a chance since I'm 27 and Katie's 26, and I used to want to be married to him as well. I even had him as my b-friend when we were playing 'college' and 'house' in my basement. Why would he brainwash her if she already stated she liked him back then? Whatever. After I got half way down the page it got funnier . The cleaning guys badge holder says I <HEART> Jesus. Speaking of Jesus there is this guy on the metro every morning who always has to find a seat. He places his briefcase on to his lap, un latches it, and pulls out his bible and reads it. I want to hit him. None of that at 7 in the morning. Mostly it just annoys me that he is so pious that he must do this every morning. Today he struggled when there wasn't a seat and he had to unlatch his briefcase while holding it. He's black and younger than me, but wearing better clothes than I could afford. The people who are faithful to God and go to Church excel. How depressing.
21 June 2005 Gemini's gone I still am thinking about Miami, still feeling the need to move on from Virginia. Why not? We're young we don't have any tie downs, my dad is going to be retiring by the end of this year so there won't be anyone here anyway. I like the thought of moving and getting to know a new place. I actually know one person in Miami or at least one person with a home there. Her name is Susan, her real name and I met her at one of the websites I was going to while bored at work. I think it was dcrainbow.com. This place is a forum where you can answer questions about gay and lesbian things ranging from sexual positions to tattoos. I didn't stay too long as there weren't hardly any people on the forum responding to anything. Well Susan's name was/is MauiBound. So I chatted her up asking her about Maui and what city she was planning on moving to on Maui, etc. She has called me a bunch of times since earlier this year and we never talked about B and my problems. We have tried to get together many times but everytime there is this weird problem like a natual disaster like snow or something where one of us, usually Susan calls and says she cannot make it. She is a consultant. And I don't know how to explain it but she's got the smarts to debate what a company needs as far as Information Technology, Networks, software, computers, everything related to technology and the Internet and budgeting the fees. So she makes loads of money AND she has a place in Miami. I have no idea who she is or what she looks like, I know she's older and the reason why she is moving to Maui is becuase she is retiring, but since she is a consultant that doesn't mean she is 65. Especially in this area you can retire when you are 45. But wow, I don't think I've ever known anyone independent, single, a lesbian who is that well off and has done it all herself. Anyway, I haven't talked to her in a long time. When she gets consulting projects she is usually extrememly busy and is not able to have any social life during it. So we'll see. The last time I talked to her was when I found out my mom had altzheimer's. I was feeling very glumb and no one was home at all so I called her, couldn't hear her very well, I never can when we talk on the phone, I think she has a crappy phone and with my crappy cell phone I'm bound not to hear much at all. I didn't feel comfortable telling her what was on my mind that day, but hey, would you mind if B and I stayed at your place in Miami while we go job hunting and looking for an apartment??????? I doubt it. Or who knows, maybe she'll be great for me and a mentor of some type. Guess I'd better email her now. Blah. Yesterday I took a 4 hour one after eating barbacoa from Chipotle. Yum I want that now. I guess I should let B on the fact I'm obsessing about Miami and actually share the fact I'd like to MOVE there with her. Then I'll distract her with this because I know she'll think it's funny. There are still smudges on my window from Meg's nose when she's look outside. 5:26PM Um someone just knocked at my door. No one has done that while I was home. So I cautiously walked up to it. It was our new best friend, moving girl from down the hall. We were hauling in some boxes one day as was she and that's when the conversations started. Oh where are you moving to? Isn't moving fun, etc those stupid conversations. She knocked on our door to say that apparently the Exchange will pay for our moving expenses... imagine that! Actually it's quite a surprize. Can't hardly believe that one. So I won't have to pay for the stinkin Uhaul I purchased for 10 hours next Thursday. Wow, can't believe it's already the fourth next weekend. I'd like to go down to the mall for the Fireworks but it will be 95 degrees and I'll have to sit there the entire day wondering if B will ever get off work. It will be sweltering. I'll be dehydrated and I'll have to lug everything via metro since B will have the car. But there is something about hearing and smelling the fireworks instead of doing it on top of a building or whatever. I guess this will be the only year we'll be able to watch them on top of our new place since next year we'lll have to be out by July 1st or June 30, we'll see. Maybe I should just stake out a place on top of the Met and we'll watch it from there. I was contacted again about my job issues from the same guy who contacted me in May. He wants to know how I am doing and if I still have a metro accessible apartment in Arlington, etc. So he wants me to call him back. I went to Miami for the first time last year. It's sat in my head ever since we left. It was such a short trip, and I'd really like to go back. I had a freaky thing happen to me before we were about to get on the plane in Washington D.C. I freaked lack of a better description. I had a stomach ache and some bad potty. I just didn't feel right. I didn't want to be trapped on an airplane for 2 hours with my stomach feeling that way. I couldn't bring myself to step on that airplane. So I didn't. I told B to go without me. Of course she didn't do so, so we drove. We had this great reservation at "The Hotel" in South Beach, a convertible rental car waiting for us and Madonna's last U.S. concerts. We drove the whole entire night all the way until the following evening. Checked into the hotel with our rental car and left the Honda at the airport. We snoozed briefly before the concert started. Got up and took a shower in the trendy glass enclosed shower with the tye-dyed robes hanging on the walls. I swear Britney Spears was in the roof top pool with us. We soaked in the pool and waited for the rain to pass but it never did. Instead we took pictures of each other in the pouring rain splattering us with pool water in our faces.
20 June 2005 Last day of Spring has sprung It is the last day of Spring, silly to think since June is almost done and summer has not begun. I have questions. How do black women have extremely thin tight permed short hair one day and then the next a long pony tail starting from the top of her forehead ??????? Where did the other stuff go? It's fake right? Well how do they attach it? It's looks like it's connected onto the scalp where is the tightly permed thinning, graying hair? I don't get it. I'm just a small town girl that has questions about girlfriends hair. W T F ? Madonna is going on tour next year. Help. How am I supposed to afford that? Plus my trip to Prague is next year. I would give up Prague for Madonna. After all I can always go and see Prague but then again... maybe I could see Madonna while I was in Europe. Even better. Her next album is going to be a dance album. B refuses to make herself lunches. Lets say she spends $3 on a bagel or sandwhich each day she works. She will work 6 days in a row, buying a $3 sandwich. I'm sure she spends more than $3 but we'll just use that as a low, very low food expense. Okay so now it's $18, multiply that by 4 weeks and that equals $72. Or she could buy some rolls for $2, ham for lets say $5, chips $4 and have this for a week. That's $44 a month, etc. Alls I am doin is just sayin' maybe she'll understand why I get so mad when she buys subway, baja fresh, chipotle or a bagle from the deli every day before, during work. I'm just sayin'. It's not fair to me to have to make my lunch every night when she eats out every day. But meanwhile we have a severe case of Starbucks debt starting. 19 June 2005 Irrationalized rationalization I spent hours this morning staring at a Touareg wanting it tasting it smelling it. Am I insane? So to get myself grounded again I went through all my bills and transferred them over to my debit card. There now I'll be able to maybe get somewhere on my debt. This is insane. I'm moving in a couple of weeks and yet I feel the need to purchase a vehicle almost worth more than I make a year. I think the rule should be not to buy a car that costs more than my yearly earning. I just hate everyone who can afford nice vehicles when I am struggling with my $50 electric bill and $30 water bill. I hate it! More complaints. I took a two hour nap early this afternoon. It was stupid, and a waste of a nice day, but I didn't sleep well last night. My lower back is sore again and B was hogging the bed. She accused me of hogging it this morning and I said no, I had to deal with her elbow at my neck all night. Her pillows that were supposed to be between her legs had somehow wound up in my ass. So annoying and then hot, cold hot cold all night and my back hurting I couldn't breath because it hurt so bad then my shouldn't would go numb I finally moved to the couch at around 8am. But I wasn't able to sleep. Made coffee drank it and stared at Touaregs What's the point of getting one and spending all that money when I'm not going to get exactly what I want? I keep saying that to myself as I'm looking at the used vehicles with no navigation system and not the color I want oh but it is the color I want but the seats aren't the color I want, oh wait that button is there on the left hand side next to the gear shifter but the opposite side is missing that button. This one looks great but it's still too much. I almost purchased one. I was at ebay motors and looking obsessing and I clicked. Buy IT! It made me go through the process of making a user name password, etc. Then I stopped. Crazy me. I have to stop and focus on something else. Meg left so I can't be obsessed with her so this is my new obsession. Actually at the moment I'm reading Hood which is a lesbian novel. It actually is good compared to the cheesy stupid ones I've read in the past. This actually has a point to it. I like it and it is making my brain move and work. I took a moment out to watch 30 days with Morgan Spurlock. Love him. Hate reality t.v. and haven't watched any of it except this. Made me think about being thankful for the amount of money I am able to make compared to minimum wage. 17 June 2005 Dave Matthews has nothing on this I just saw a great movie. B and I saw Crash. Oh my god. We both cried and were completely mesmerized by this movie. It's so good. I had decided on Crash and am so glad I did. It's one of those movies were there are a bunch of characters not related but by the end of the movie they are related. It was so good. It's about race, and being a US citizen. Some of the comments made by Matt Dillion in the movie were so right on about blacks, and everything. It's sad to say. I'm definitely buying that movie on DVD but my dvd player broke. I don't know how or why but it doesn't' work and makes sick noises when I pop in a dvd. How annoying to have to buy a new dvd player. Although my computer has one and it is not hard to connect my computer to the tv to watch them.16 June 2005 Drink your Jesus Juice, Shelby I don't want to talk about Michael Jackson. The heading of today makes me wonder why he isn't prosecuted for giving children alcohol and naming it Jesus Juice. Back to work today, antsy, can't stop can't think, don't want to be here. It's only 1 PM. 15 June 2005 Trickle down society I had to get my blood drawn today and there was a small boy who came into the dr. office with his father. His father couldn't have been more than 16 years old. The father had a green 12 inch ruler with him, the kind you get for your next year of school to start. He was beating the young 2 year old boy with it. He was trying to make him stop crying with it. Holding the green ruler in front of his face. I was horrified. I am horrified by my dr. office. The girl who took my blood had tattoos layering her arms. She was in a black tanktop with g-string bearing jeans. "Hi Yes, please take my blood you unprofessional person" At least I wasn't all bruised up like last time. Just a little bit. I've had a tough time dealing with my baby being away. Meg I mean of course. My sister said Meg has been depressed not playing with her toys and just laying around. I am about to go up there to pick her up and bring her back here. Poor puppy. 14 June 2005 Yes it's the day it all began
My second birthday I don't recall, neither my third.
Number 6 and 7 are hard to remember although I know one of them I told everyone to leave after I had opened their presents. My sister had to entertain my friends because I was laying out in the enclosed patio zipped up in my new Smurfs sleeping bag running a fever.
Number 9 was the first birthday party I had in Hartland. This was a fun birthday party, except my so-called best friend Diane could not come because Laura Giese was there. Their families had a falling out and were not allowed to socialize with one another. I don't know any other details about it other than they hated each other. And for a long time when I moved to Hartland I had to pick either Diane or Laura because one would always be envious of the other if they played with me for too long, or vice versa. It was a constant competition and ultimately Diane won even though I did play with Laura more because she got down right nasty if you were mean to her. Anyway my 9th birthday was spent on my birthday present from my dad a few years back when he didn't spell my name right on my birthday card. My friends and I played on the Wet Banana. Years afterward I wanted to play with my wet banana or have friends over and slide on it but I wasn't allowed to because Lisa Haakenson hurt her head on it at my 9th birthday. She was crying but she never could handle pain of any sort and was such a baby. Plus Papa always had a fit about what the lawn looked like afterwards and how much water was used. So no more wet banana birthdays for me.
My 13th birthday was when we had a severe storm and was spent in Hartland. My friends that came were Diane, Janel, Holli (spelled with an 'i' because it was cool back then) , Heather, Rachel Goehner and Shelly whom I cannot remember her last name. This was a very strange birthday party because most of the people I invited were not friends with one another. That was the birthday Diane and I went to Moose Lake or it could have been Beaver Lake and my friends were all there as a surprize for me. It was weird. But Diane got me good. Number 14 went along with my 8th grade graduation. I got a lot of stuff that year. A new boombox and the ugliest luggage you would ever want to recognize on the turntable at the airport. I don't think I had an actual party that year. I don't remember. I was depressed about never seeing Mrs. Gerschke ever again. I ate a lot of cookie dough ice cream and because I ate so much I do not like it anymore. This birthday was spent with my sister and my cousin Shelly. They took my friends and I to a lake for the day. It was fun having my sister and cousin along. My 15th birthday was spent in Virginia. I went to Virginia early that year because my sister was about to have a baby. I wanted to make sure I didn't miss it. Plus since she was divorced she was going to need help with my nephew which I knew I could do. I got to Virginia in the evening of the 11th of June. A few hours later my sister was laying on my bed and we were up gossiping and she water broke. I was so excited and nauseous at the same time. We went to Fairfax Hospital and it's so weird to think of this now because I know exactly where that is. Oldest niece was born a short time later with red hair. My theory is because Lisa ate Strawberry ice cream a few hours she was born is why she has red hair. I think I had a Reese's store bought cake at my dad's house. I remember being annoyed because I didn't want anything special that year but my stepmom invited over her brother and their kids, I just wanted to be with the newborn and take care of my nephew. Now it's my 16th birthday. I was depressed that day. I did nothing. At that time I didn't have any friends, or the friends I did have didn't know it was my birthday or had forgotten. It was not a good day. I remember contemplating suicide and wondering why my dad didn't get me a car for my birthday. It was hot and the air conditioning was on but I was hanging my head out of my bedroom window wishing I would die. I remember a lot of crying that day. I don't remember my 17th at all. This was when my sister had moved back to Wisconsin and we would have parties combined for my niece and me. I never minded doing that. It was always fun anyway.
I bought my first legal pack of cigarettes when I was 18 from a girl who Number 19th I'm sure I was depressed. Number 20 in 1998 wasn't anything to remember either.
On my 24th I had run over my heel with a flat at Target when I worked there. I had to walk with stupid crutches and was in a lot of pain in these pictures. When I woke up there was this rhyme taped to the bathroom mirror. Another red velvet cake was made for my birthday and I ate a bunch of it. My 25th birthday was my last birthday in Wisconsin. My friend Heather and her son made me a fancy cake, and I don't even like chocolate cake but this was an exception. I loved it! This time those hard sugar letters were around Sponge Bob. Two days later I had to take Buttons to be put to sleep. My 26th
Need I say more?
And now this year I spend here in Virginia again. B and I went to Great Falls. It's beautiful. It was a sweltering 95 degrees outside but being cooped up in the car all day before we were able to get some fresh air and take a small walk. I thought I'd have kids by this age. I thought a lot of things. But instead here I am in Virginia, living my life with B. It's been a tough 365 days since I turned 26, but I'm still here living life dealing the cards I've been dealt. And now you've seen just a little bit of what it's like to be me.
08 June 2005 A free vegetarian starter kit First news stories. I read about this crazy man I can't even put his picture on my website because he is so scary. In this day and age of terrorists and all the other crazy kidnappings, just everything, I really am scared when I watch the news. I rarely watch it but I did the other night and the top story was about a man who was inappropriately touching kids at a local TOYS R US. What? So this man was walking around and touching 6 year old girl. The other girl who was touched was in the bathroom. sick! A baggage loader at Reagan National Airport, right across the street from my work was killed when she was pinned between and airplane and a luggage loader. Now how does that happen? She drove too far and was pinned between the loader and the plane. All I can think about is I hope the damn conveyor belt wasn't on. Puke. Anne Bancroft died! I am sad, I became aware of her from this movie when she looked like this. Things have been busy here. I've been trying to get everything ready and in order for our trip to Illinois. Gathering Meg's toys. I've got to do that this evening and make her her dog cookies. I'm mourning already. In fact I want to vacuum before we leave so I don't come home to a black haired house to make me so sad. I love that puppy. She's my baby. I have many projects to do on the way to Illinois. It will take us 2 days to get there. But we want to take our time. We are going to travel through Kentucky since I've never been there and B neither. We'll stay the night somewhere there and make the rest of our trip on Friday. I checked the weather in 3 places today. One was Wisconsin which it was 84 with a dew point of 60 some, here it was 90 degrees with a dew point of 62. In Mt. Sterling, IL where I am going for our sweltering family reunion was 88 degrees with a dew point of 72. They are supposed to had/have some extreme storms today. I hope that doesn't hinder our trip tomorrow. B and I get very excited about roads trips and being trapped in a car together for 17 hours or more. So that is my feeling right now. Plus we'll have Meg with us and that's fun too. I'm going to make Meg her cookies now and spend time with her. sniff sniff. 07 June 2005 http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/4611757.stm I hate that damn song from Beverly Hills Cop.06 June 2005 At our throats B and I have lately been at each other's throats. On Friday B hung up on me when we had a money fight. Last night she gave Meg a bone in the middle of the night when B had got home from work. She said 'she couldn't take it anymore'. I guessed she didn't want to be pestered by Meg who likes to be petted and touched and loved because that's her nature. So she gave her a bone that Meg didn't want to give up when B finally came to bed at 1:30. Meg was chewing on the bone in the bedroom now. It's loud and irritating. Not exactly something you'd like to hear while trying to fall back asleep. So I went out on the couch. The yellow pages were on the couch I pushed them off and layed down covering up with the blanket. B comes out and shoves the yellow pages across the room and throws the papers. 'Get back to bed' she commands to me. I have my arm up over my head protecting my face and prepared for a beating. It was instinct. I felt any second my arm would have been grabbed and my leg and I'd be tossed off the couch. There have been times like that through my life. I remember the feelings on my head or arm that was getting hit. But I don't recall who did this to me. So I slept alone. And you say... I only hear what I want to I love that song and now for some reason I just skipped it on my launchcast and we're on to Erick Morillo. The plan for today is get outta here tear off your clothes lay in the sun for 1 hour skip Dr. Phil and prepare the t.v. for a trip. And of course lots of love and petting for Meg. You know you love someone when you think of them while you are closing the bathroom stall and suddenly her head and eyes are in your head and you just want to go home and pet her. Anyway I'm dumb.
05 June 2005 I want to wear clothes like summer wears So here we are it's Sunday already. Packed a bunch of crap yesterday. Not really crap just kitchen stuff I know we won't use before we leave. Now I'm beginning to really dread moving. I have to admit this place is very cute and our stuff is in it's place and I do like it so. Now we're moving into a place less than half of what our apartment here in Alexandria. But all for the the ease of our commutes which doesn't even apply to B because she goes to work at non-traffic times. So the main reason was me. I wanted to be in the city, I wanted to be close to a grocery store, so I can buy more food and gain more weight, the minute I want a hostess cupcake I can go and buy one at Harris Teeter. I've never even been in the store except once to use the bathroom. I'm not sure how reasonable it is or if it really is worth more than $500 extra in rent. Went to T and M's house yesterday. It was okay. I had my moments where I wanted to run screaming from their place because I hated to be there. I didn't think of Meg till midnight when I said to b "The Baby" because she's my baby. She of course was fine when we got home at 1:30. Late night for us. Then B left for work today and I hate it. I'm so tired of never spending time together. And I will start a rant in about 2 seconds because I'm stressed out. 1, 2 here it goes. My mom is so much worse than I ever imagined and I don't know how to do with this or help or do anything about it. I wonder if she really should be working, driving, I don't think... My liver, what is wrong with it? My weight, it keeps going higher and its scaring me because I feel helpless like since it's this number there is no way it can get down... I hate it that B never is home. She leaves at 2:30 I am home by 3:30. She is sleeping when I get up for work, I am sleeping when she gets home from work. Sick of it. No benefits. Moving, did we make the right choice? We chose a one bedroom 3 closeted apartment, with access to the Metro downstairs, Best Buy, Bath and Body, Smoothie King, REI, Macy's, Nordstroms, Marshalls, Borders, a mile walk from work, over a 2 bedroom, basement, storage galore, backyard, fenced in house, no metro in a shady neighborhood but in the cute area of Del Ray (Gay). Would have to take the bus which doesn't start running until 6:30, I want to be to work by then. Would have to rely on the bus in the afternoon slowing down my commute home so I'd miss Dr. Phil. Couldn't walk to a grocery store. But would surely be able to afford a down payment on a SUV if I would save. Which I could have if rent when rent would have been $1400 versus the $1990 we will be paying. I hate the decision making process. And the obsessions begin. I'm obsessed with a VW Touareg And a centipede just fell from my head.
03 June 2005 Walking on thin ice Okay heres the plan: GI Jane Bootcamp. Buy a small coffee maker for work. Start drinking coffee with coffeemate instead of cream. Lose weight. Stop eating chips. Stop eating Poppers, but they're so good! Are they? I mean do I really think that? The last 2 times I had them they were sickening. But damn they are bad for my cholesterol. All fatty foods such as cheese in which I had on my bagel right before bed. Not just one cheese like chive and onion philly spread but Wis Pride spread as well. The food issue has gotten way outta control. But yet I don't even care. I think I'm attempting to kill myself. Wait wait wait... okay not really logically thinking here, but if I do think about it, it's a vain way to kill myself by making my body completely filled with nastyness. What about my liver I don't know. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my hairs are standing on end, my scalp is actually aching while I type this. My bowels move loosen my god I could lose control. Shuddering, my hairs are moving on the top of my head hurting, I just shaved but my leg hair is now stubbly, I can't get the sound loud enough minimize this no maximize it no make it so I can watch the video while I type this... here comes the flame, the wolves, the violent moves, the bursting pounding bass, here she comes... I'm dying dying dying! What are you looking at? It's just the We sat next to Ingrid Caesars.
So there is one single chance I could see Madonna this summer. A free concert for Live Aid July 2nd. And I was so excited to hear that the Spice Girls were also going to reunite for this concert as well, but apparently they got the boot because they weren't serious enough... um but what about Eminem who is slated for the US concert? He's not any better. Anyway back to Madonna. She will perform in London. I will give all the money I have in my bank account to see her again. But it will only be for a few songs and is that really worth it? No, I've already talked myself out of it. I'm eating an OH Henry! bar. On the wrapper it says 2 PEANUTTY. If I had the means to have a camera cell phone and a way to hook it up I would take a picture of it. 2 PEANUTTY is kinda making me laugh. Remember the commercials with Gilbert Godfrey? HOW ANNOYING IS THAT DICK? Meg. Puppy will only be with us for one more week. I am so sad. I really am. I know sister won't let us keep her. Oldest neice was very distraught with the fact Meg would be given to me. The kids don't play with her. Hardly acknowledge her and Tom beats her. Rubs her face in poop when she has pooped outside in the grass. It makes tears well up in my eyes when I think of her being kicked and beaten outside in front of all the neighbors. What do I do?
She's smiling here. We had just gone to see Ground Zero.
Isn't she just a puppy?
02 June 2005 Kraftwork is driving me to Speak and Spell Well I'm irritated. I was shortage seriously on my paycheck and now I have to contact L whom I had a slight crush on. But now I just feel like this
01 June 2005 Happy Pride Month!! Welcome to June everyone. The Memorial Day weekend was fairly okay. Busy, stressful. My mom came to visit. For the very first time. She has Altzheimer's. I unpacked her clothes and put them neatly in 2 drawers. I put her suitcase away in the closet. Every day she was here she packed up her clothes thinking she was going home. Everyday she would be lost in the apartment, not sure where the kitchen was. Everyday she wouldn't know which bedroom was hers. It was great to visit with her but I am shocked with how much she has changed since Christmas. We went to NYC which was great except I saw someone vomitting in the street. I still am having visions and panicy feelings about that. Aside from the stress the weekend was long and good. B had off for most of it which was wonderful but made me want to just spend time with B and not with mom.
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I really really am, very relieved. The wait for the doctor was excruciating and B was such a pal to take me to the doctor (forcing her to call her work and tell them she's be late) and wait with me. I was very nervous last night and this morning, delaying falling asleep before B. She started snoring horrifically making it even harder to fall asleep, and add a nervous/upset stomach ache as well. I set my alarm for 6:30, allowing me to sleep in a little, but my nerves got me up and put me in front of my computer checking my work emails and a distraction from the appointment. I worked for awhile while drinking my coffee. B got up shortly before 9. As departure came closer the nervousness was brought back into my belly. The drive to Crystal City was nerve wrecking knowing in less than an hour I'd know if there was something really wrong or if I was borderline okay. Finding a parking spot took forever and my bladder was about to let loose before we could find our ways to the elevators to get up to the shopping mall. Once I let it loose I was much calmer. It was going to be over soon and I'm able to get into some sort of zone void of nervousness. Today I was able to do this with or without B there. I quizzed her on the muscle chart on the wall. She did very well being a massage therapist and all. I waited for quite awhile in a windowless, white walled room. The doctor finally came in and told me my triglycerids are way high meaning the bad cholesterol. She thought I didn't have a fasting blood test. But that was my fasting blood test. The one before that wasn't. I have to go back in one month to see if the buggers have lowered, if not, it's medication time. So after reading another source of horoscope <Like a very strong cup of tea, there have been some big changes a-brewin' in your life. Now the question is whether you're going to drink them straight, or perhaps add a little cream and sugar to the mix to make it all go down more easily. The stars say to go for the second option -- call your friends, your family, whoever your pit crew is -- and get their help. It'll make everything ever so much easier.> I've decided to take some action. After all, we have a wedding to go to next year. And possibly a 10 year high school reunion. ew. 
But here is what was just put in our door. So what does that mean? I just read in the paper, Stabbing at Pentagon City Mall. That's right below where we are going to live. Thanks. So the rent would increase from what we are paying now here but it does not compare to what we will be paying if we move to Pentagon City. The lady who helped us out at the new place was such a nice lady and I think it's her who is stalling us to help us decide if we want to move to our new place. Its pretty much already a done deal except we haven't signed anything. We haven't signed anything saying we have to be out of our apartment now, neither do we have to be in the new apartment. We obviously are floating... meanwhile... I just don't know if we made the right choice to move to Pentagon City. Perhaps we should continue to live here and since it will be month to month we could search for a cheaper place... This is difficult. I guess I should wait for B to come home to discuss further. So many things come to play when discussing rent. Like where do we see ourselves in a year. How long do we want to stay in this area? Obviously we're allowed to stay at this here apartment at a higher cost but can stay and we don't have to leave at the end of our lease which is July 9th. So we could stay here and pay the amount and still be able to find another place closer to our jobs. UGH THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING! 
Everyone was at the pool but me today, and I would have liked to have gone. Tomorrow I'll sear myself. 
He operates just fine as a tripod and proves that he can play and beg just as well as a four-legged doggy. Harold is a typical Husky - happy, social, clever, smart and a tad bit manipulative, but you'll love him all the more for it. Seems to be quite polite with other dogs. I had never seen a 3 legged dog until I moved to Virginia. They are everywhere. And I am heartbroken.
Looking for a dog that loves to fetch? Then look no further than Durham! This boy is crazy about his tennis balls and will out-fetch you any day of the week! He is a 5 year old, 62 pound, Lab mix that came to the League from a rescue group in North Carolina through the ShARE program. He gets along well with other dogs and loves to play with his toys – often walking around with 2 tennis balls in his mouth. Durham would do best in a home without children under 5 years old. If you’re looking for an athletic pooch that will make you laugh then come in and meet with Durham! 
Meet Chelsea! Chelsea is a 1 year old, 56 pound, Lab mix that came to the League from a local animal shelter through our ShARE program. This beautiful girl has the energy of a purebred Lab of her age and a winning personality! Chelsea would like to be adopted by an active family that will be able to provide her with plenty of runs in the park and play time. She gets along well with other dogs and, due to her activity level and size, would do best in a home without children under 12 years old. If you’re looking to add a big, goofy, loving dog to your family, then look no further! Come in and meet with Chelsea! 
I know it's not the most photogenic picture of Blanket but the story is what gets me. This story makes me cry so hard! Meet Blanket! Blanket is a 6 year old Hound mix that came to the League from a cruelty case in Arkansas through the ShARE program. This lovable fellow was forced to share an outside kennel with several other dogs, was never walked, let out to play, or given any positive human contact. Blanket was the first dog that we pulled from the facility, and once he climbed into the van and curled up in a blanket lined cage, he began to howl his little heart out. We like to think that he was telling all of his friends back in the facility that he was safe and had his very own blanket, which is why we decided to name him “Blanket”. He is a laid-back fellow that is a little more subdued here at the shelter. He is content to just curl up at your side, rest his head on your shoulder, and relax. Blanket gets along with some dogs, and would do best in a home without children under the age of 12 years. If you are looking for an older, easy-going, charming fellow to add to your family, then come in and meet Blanket!
If you could have seen how small Madonna was next to the bag pipe player and how petite she really is. That was a cute part. When she shows him how to dance and he's blowing into the bag pipes. To see Madonna perform Material girl! My all time fave song and not mess up the lyrics... a few of the shows she did do that. Which just made it more unique to be there seeing her mess up. Yup I miss her. The weather is warm and since last summer was the summer of Madonna I'm totally consumed again, wondering about her thinking about her, feeling as I did last summer completely crazed with the idea of having to see her again and again to get that special feeling of seeing the differences between the very few shows we saw. Because that was just for us... we could see the differences and know what they were, but no one else could, well maybe that one guy. 
MaDiva is I guess what he calls himself, but he was at every single concert, near the front too, near us... Amazing. I can't imagine how much money he had to have spent on the costumes, which he made himself, and all the tickets, how did he get to the concerts? He is from NYC and so amazing to see him and just wonder how he could have afforded to taken off so much time off of work as well. Of course there was the hair that we could see flying off her head and onto the stage. WE could have made a Madonna baby out of that. Okay that's a little too much but you know... it's Madonna. 
